Поиск

132221451_gorod_Brempton (202x216, 31Kb)

Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

The eighteenth letter of Mizhappar

 

 

(In loving memory of the great humorist of Uzbekistan Hadjibay Tadjibayev)

 


Let this letter, which I am writing on a stray dog skin which we slaughtered with a knife and ate with vodka, fly on the autumn wind, fly strictly to the West, where Mr. Sitmrat lives , there, where he often sits drinking whisky or tequila with some ice looking through the window, at the late tired midnight buses, with only a few people still waiting in the bus stops.
Hello, Mr. Sitmrat!
Yesterday Qurumboy called an extraordinary Congress of our party, climbed onto the roof of the pigsty. I ran to where the Convention was supposed to be. When I arrived, Qurumboy rejoiced and uttered this speech:
- Well, the member of the collective farm Mr. Mizhappar is here too. Now we have a quorum, and we can start congress, according to the point of the Charter of our party about holding congresses! So, comrades, if we really want to come to power, we must strengthen political propaganda among the population as never before! On this I declare Congress closed! Members of our party, members and guests of the Congress of our party immediately Yoldashvoy harnessed to a cart! Then he added - do you Hear the trumpet calling?
- Yes! - we answered.
- Then let's go! - shouted  Qurumboy.
We put the clamp on Yoldashvoy, and Qurumboy sat on the cart. We sat down too. We drove on the street, admiring the scenery and sometimes greeting passers-by. The soul sings. I love the road by nature. All around, the trees drop their yellow and crimson leaves. Behind the bare branches of the trees you can see the huts of farmers, with crooked chimneys. Qurumboy humed a melody, good mood from him. Mamadiyar sang some old song.

The cart rattled along, and suddenly it got stuck. Yoldashvoy tensed, trying to pull it out of the mud, but couldn't. Then Qurumboy went to help him, that is, began to beat him over the head with a long whip. Which tore Yoldashvoy's hat, made of dog skin. His pea-jacket was torn, too. Qurumboy mercilessly beat him constantly shouting:
- Get up, don't pretend, you sly quitter! Damned parasite!
Yoldashvoy struggled trying to pull the cart, but it didn't work. The poor man pulled the cart, wrapping the bridle around himself like a fly caught in a spider's web, injuring his shoulders, cutting his neck with swollen arteries. Then from fatigue and impotence he lay down in the mud. His face and clothes were filthy. We had to get off the cart to help Yoldashvoy. Mamadiyar and I pushed the cart from behind, leaning on it with our shoulders. Finally we pulled it out of the mud, and Yoldashvoy ran, dragging the cart along a paved road. We caught up with him and got back on the cart. We went, we waved our hands to children and old men who stood on a roadside watching us with a surprised look. We drove at high speed until our vehicle hit a man. This man was a drunk named Khurram, who was lying on the road tipsy. When we hit it, our cart went up and down again. Well, that local drunk Khurram not died. He got up from his seat and, throwing clods of dirt at us, began to scold us with all his might. Yoldashvoy added speed, but since we did not have a speedometer, we didn't know what speed he was driving at the moment. There were no drunks on the horizon but us. We ride on a high-speed creaking cart, plowing the air. The speed was too great, and suddenly there was an emergency. Our high-speed cart suddenly and unsightly tilted to one side, and one of its wheels fell off. Now the cart stopped listening to Qurumboy, and our uncontrolled carriage went off the road. Dragging Yoldashvoy, it rolled towards a small poultry farm of a local farmer. We rode it and screamed in panic, uttering only one sound:
-A - a - a - a - a -a!  - we shouted.
When we tore down the net, the chickens, geese, ducks, turkeys, too, were frightened, flying noisily away like frightened birds in the night. I don't remember how our cart fell. When I came to my self, I was lying like a boxer in the ring who had been knocked out. My friends too. Qurumboy lying in a pool among the ducks and geese. Mamadiyar was found in a chicken coop, where a thin, tall farmer was standing.
- They're all here, I guess. Now the farmer in despair will take his double-barreled gun and, having loaded it, will shoot us like partridges without trial - I thought.
No, he did not take up the gun, on the contrary, began to help us, at the same time photographing us from all sides for memory. We thought at first that when the poor farmer has calculated the material and moral damage, he went to the roof. Because instead of crying, he was happy as a child and even expressed gratitude to us .
- What are you happy about, bourgeois?! -  asked by Qurumboy, stuffing in his pipe and lighting chicken manure.
- How not to rejoice, Mr. proletarian, after destroying part of my farm you helped me.
-You what, are you crazy? We've done you enormous damage, like hurricane Catherine on the Atlantic coast, you fool! Or do you want to put us on trial? Mind you, my bodyguard Mizhappar abroad there are friends of human rights defenders. They'll raise an international political scandal if you sue. They are even ready to make a revolution for us! - Qurumboy sternly warned the poultry farmer .
- Yes, mister Qurumboy! Why would I sue you when there's another way to get rich? Now, thanks to you, I can write off thousands of chickens, geese, ducks and turkeys, which were taken away by the tax authorities, the Bank employees who gave us a loan, the district Shgabuddinov, then other small officials! - the farmer said.
Then he invited us to a free Banquet to wash up the natural disaster on his farm. While we were drinking tea and eating delicious scrambled eggs, the farmer's wife made rotisserie from the chickens. The farmer ran to the store and we started drinking vodka. After the tenth bottle, Yuldashvoy turned crosseyed, finding it difficult to pronounce the consonant letters. He just smiled and said the vowel sounds. The farmer's wife was a talented woman. She gave an Amateur performance and sang a song about chickens, dancing.    
After the twelfth bottle, the farmer, too, became intoxicated and suddenly turned to God, lazily licking his lips and looking at the ceiling with squinting eyes:
- God, why are you torturing only me?! Is there no one else in the world but me?! Why don't you torture the tax men who skin the poor farmers?! Why do you not punish unjust prosecutors, parasite lawyers, policemen, scaring the people, put innocent, law-abiding citizens behind bars, take away the last penny from people?! Do you not see the pupils and students who, instead of studying, gather cotton on the cold plantations, when the governors beat the teachers and make the prosecutors and police officers kiss the shoes for failing to meet the norm of cotton collection?! Why do you not destroy the unjust leaders who illegally master the people's good, sucking the blood of the people from their arteries and veins like leeches! Now these slaves of yours, instead of asking for forgiveness, are threatened by human rights activists who live a luxurious life abroad, when here the people are starving to eat straw! Is that fair, Lord? Though I don't see your image, I still love you, Lord! Please, God, what have I done to you?! Tell me! Why are you silent?! After all, I participated in the liquidation of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant accident. I was hauling radioactive waste out of the sarcophagus in a wheelbarrow, God! - The farmer could not finish his plea, as at that moment the earthquake began. The farmer's hut began to rock and shake. The farmer's wife was the first to evacuate, screaming in fear. Then the farmer shot out into the yard. I don't even remember how or when I ran out of the cabin. I see my party friends standing next to me, pale as the moon, trembling with fear like the skeletons of a hanged man in the wind who has been gnawed by crows. Yoldashvoy too sober, as a good person. Then the ground rumbled under our feet, and we felt as if we were on a Volcano about to explode. Then there was another jolt, and the roof of the farmer's hut went down. It collapsed with a roar, kicking up dust, like a bomb test on the Atoll Moruroa. Hear Qurumboy calling me:
-Comrade Mizhappar, the revolution is in danger! I command you to help me move. You know, Mr. Sitmrat, I was doing Kung Fu, and the commander's order is law to me. I thought Qurumboy was wounded. No, it turns out he's pissed his pants. I'm sorry, but I just have to write about it for the story. Qurumboy had so much shit in pants looking like 1937 military "golife" pants that could not even move independently. Had to pull the dagger out of Qurumboy from the tops of his boots without soles and stick in the pants, which are full of (excuse me again) shit. Qurumboy's Pants  exploded and everything around was yellow. So much for political propaganda among the population! Thank God everyone was alive.


To the following letters, Mr. Sitmrat!
The soldier and member of collective farm, Mr. Mizhappar.

 

x_15d42282 (604x453, 162Kb)