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Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

Cuckoo's nest

 

The man waited long and patiently
looking at the grey cuckoo's nest,
with a long pole in his hands.
He waited for and waited and finally the cuckoo,
poking it's head out of the nest, it sang:
Koo-koo! Koo-koo! Koo-koo! Kook...
The man hit the cuckoo with the pole
and it fell down to the carpet.


01/03/2018.
10:07 in the morning.
Canada, Ontario.

 

No one is visible on the Milky way


The stars are cramped in the vast sky.
They hit each other with their elbows.
For this reason, one of them,
like a startled bird flew away.
No one is visible on the Milky way,
where they don't even ride a moped.
Maybe they're afraid to puncture
their old vintage vehicle's wheels 
over the rusty nails of stars.


24/03/2020.
10:57 of the day.
Canada, Ontario.

 

 

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Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

The Island




Recently, walking along the ocean, I saw a glass bottle of ancient rum sticking out of the wet sand, which the tidal waves washed up on the beach. Carefully uncorking the bottle, I took the paper out of the bottle and opened it, I began to read the text of the letter, which was written in Uzbek. My Uzbeks are restless, you guys are everywhere! Even on a deserted island!... My hands were cracked with excitement, like the hand of an alcoholic holding a cut glass of burning vodka. I thought that this letter should indicate the location of a priceless treasure with a mysterious map drawn, which I can use to find the untold wealth buried by the pirates.I even had tears of joy in my eyes, and I thanked God who had finally given me what I had always dreamed of.What happiness, my God!Now I'm going to get very rich, and the first thing I"ll do is buy hundreds of thousands of acres of fertile land and build myself fairy-tale castles. I'll have my own cruise ships, my own planes. In a way, the whole world will be under my feet. With these thoughts in mind, I began to read the letter with a wild interest, as they say, with a rush. The text of the note was as follows:


Hello!

I am glad that my message has finally reached your hands and I very much hope that you will immediately inform the government, who will set up an extraordinary rescue headquarters under the Cabinet of Ministers and send rescue teams to find me. I live on a desert island (unfortunately I do not know its name) and I am afraid that I will soon completely go mad alone. To prevent this from happening, I do my best to amuse myself, singing songs and talking to myself like a madman, ignoring the deafening screams of gulls, cormorants and albatrosses. I run along the sandy shore of the noisy ocean, doing sports. I draw various drawings on the sand with a stick, write poems and stories to somehow remember who I am and where I came from.The worst part is that I don't remember when, where, or what ship I came from. Who knows, I may have lost my memory after the ship I came on was wrecked on the granite rocks of the coast during a storm.I carefully  checked, firmly convinced no-one but me was on this island.When I explored this island, I found some terrible things that made my hair stand on end. Since the iron barrels that I found were painted with radiation hazard signs in the form of skulls with bones. It turns out that nuclear tests were conducted on this island for many years.I am absolutely sure that I am infected with radiation, because I eat the fruits of wild trees and berries, and I breathe this air.The fish and crabs I catch every day on the ocean are also contaminated with radioactive substances. Sitting on a rocky, high Bank, I look out alone at the endless starry sky at night, watching the flight of bats by the moonlight. During the day, I talk to wavy green parrots, which surprise me, they speak human language, having learned by heart some words that I once uttered. They tease me by repeating the same words. Despite this, I will try to maintain a friendly relationship with these feathered screamers, which move along the branches of trees with the help of their beaks.Here, on such an island saturated with deadly radioactive substances, I live alone, meeting the dawn and sunsets, waiting for ships. There is no other island to live on.


With deep respect, lonely Humanity.

When I read the note, I got angry. Then I stuffed the letter into the bottle and threw it back into the ocean.



19/06/2020.
9:09 in the morning.
Canada, Ontario.

 

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Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

The eighteenth letter of Mizhappar

 

 

(In loving memory of the great humorist of Uzbekistan Hadjibay Tadjibayev)

 


Let this letter, which I am writing on a stray dog skin which we slaughtered with a knife and ate with vodka, fly on the autumn wind, fly strictly to the West, where Mr. Sitmrat lives , there, where he often sits drinking whisky or tequila with some ice looking through the window, at the late tired midnight buses, with only a few people still waiting in the bus stops.
Hello, Mr. Sitmrat!
Yesterday Qurumboy called an extraordinary Congress of our party, climbed onto the roof of the pigsty. I ran to where the Convention was supposed to be. When I arrived, Qurumboy rejoiced and uttered this speech:
- Well, the member of the collective farm Mr. Mizhappar is here too. Now we have a quorum, and we can start congress, according to the point of the Charter of our party about holding congresses! So, comrades, if we really want to come to power, we must strengthen political propaganda among the population as never before! On this I declare Congress closed! Members of our party, members and guests of the Congress of our party immediately Yoldashvoy harnessed to a cart! Then he added - do you Hear the trumpet calling?
- Yes! - we answered.
- Then let's go! - shouted  Qurumboy.
We put the clamp on Yoldashvoy, and Qurumboy sat on the cart. We sat down too. We drove on the street, admiring the scenery and sometimes greeting passers-by. The soul sings. I love the road by nature. All around, the trees drop their yellow and crimson leaves. Behind the bare branches of the trees you can see the huts of farmers, with crooked chimneys. Qurumboy humed a melody, good mood from him. Mamadiyar sang some old song.

The cart rattled along, and suddenly it got stuck. Yoldashvoy tensed, trying to pull it out of the mud, but couldn't. Then Qurumboy went to help him, that is, began to beat him over the head with a long whip. Which tore Yoldashvoy's hat, made of dog skin. His pea-jacket was torn, too. Qurumboy mercilessly beat him constantly shouting:
- Get up, don't pretend, you sly quitter! Damned parasite!
Yoldashvoy struggled trying to pull the cart, but it didn't work. The poor man pulled the cart, wrapping the bridle around himself like a fly caught in a spider's web, injuring his shoulders, cutting his neck with swollen arteries. Then from fatigue and impotence he lay down in the mud. His face and clothes were filthy. We had to get off the cart to help Yoldashvoy. Mamadiyar and I pushed the cart from behind, leaning on it with our shoulders. Finally we pulled it out of the mud, and Yoldashvoy ran, dragging the cart along a paved road. We caught up with him and got back on the cart. We went, we waved our hands to children and old men who stood on a roadside watching us with a surprised look. We drove at high speed until our vehicle hit a man. This man was a drunk named Khurram, who was lying on the road tipsy. When we hit it, our cart went up and down again. Well, that local drunk Khurram not died. He got up from his seat and, throwing clods of dirt at us, began to scold us with all his might. Yoldashvoy added speed, but since we did not have a speedometer, we didn't know what speed he was driving at the moment. There were no drunks on the horizon but us. We ride on a high-speed creaking cart, plowing the air. The speed was too great, and suddenly there was an emergency. Our high-speed cart suddenly and unsightly tilted to one side, and one of its wheels fell off. Now the cart stopped listening to Qurumboy, and our uncontrolled carriage went off the road. Dragging Yoldashvoy, it rolled towards a small poultry farm of a local farmer. We rode it and screamed in panic, uttering only one sound:
-A - a - a - a - a -a!  - we shouted.
When we tore down the net, the chickens, geese, ducks, turkeys, too, were frightened, flying noisily away like frightened birds in the night. I don't remember how our cart fell. When I came to my self, I was lying like a boxer in the ring who had been knocked out. My friends too. Qurumboy lying in a pool among the ducks and geese. Mamadiyar was found in a chicken coop, where a thin, tall farmer was standing.
- They're all here, I guess. Now the farmer in despair will take his double-barreled gun and, having loaded it, will shoot us like partridges without trial - I thought.
No, he did not take up the gun, on the contrary, began to help us, at the same time photographing us from all sides for memory. We thought at first that when the poor farmer has calculated the material and moral damage, he went to the roof. Because instead of crying, he was happy as a child and even expressed gratitude to us .
- What are you happy about, bourgeois?! -  asked by Qurumboy, stuffing in his pipe and lighting chicken manure.
- How not to rejoice, Mr. proletarian, after destroying part of my farm you helped me.
-You what, are you crazy? We've done you enormous damage, like hurricane Catherine on the Atlantic coast, you fool! Or do you want to put us on trial? Mind you, my bodyguard Mizhappar abroad there are friends of human rights defenders. They'll raise an international political scandal if you sue. They are even ready to make a revolution for us! - Qurumboy sternly warned the poultry farmer .
- Yes, mister Qurumboy! Why would I sue you when there's another way to get rich? Now, thanks to you, I can write off thousands of chickens, geese, ducks and turkeys, which were taken away by the tax authorities, the Bank employees who gave us a loan, the district Shgabuddinov, then other small officials! - the farmer said.
Then he invited us to a free Banquet to wash up the natural disaster on his farm. While we were drinking tea and eating delicious scrambled eggs, the farmer's wife made rotisserie from the chickens. The farmer ran to the store and we started drinking vodka. After the tenth bottle, Yuldashvoy turned crosseyed, finding it difficult to pronounce the consonant letters. He just smiled and said the vowel sounds. The farmer's wife was a talented woman. She gave an Amateur performance and sang a song about chickens, dancing.    
After the twelfth bottle, the farmer, too, became intoxicated and suddenly turned to God, lazily licking his lips and looking at the ceiling with squinting eyes:
- God, why are you torturing only me?! Is there no one else in the world but me?! Why don't you torture the tax men who skin the poor farmers?! Why do you not punish unjust prosecutors, parasite lawyers, policemen, scaring the people, put innocent, law-abiding citizens behind bars, take away the last penny from people?! Do you not see the pupils and students who, instead of studying, gather cotton on the cold plantations, when the governors beat the teachers and make the prosecutors and police officers kiss the shoes for failing to meet the norm of cotton collection?! Why do you not destroy the unjust leaders who illegally master the people's good, sucking the blood of the people from their arteries and veins like leeches! Now these slaves of yours, instead of asking for forgiveness, are threatened by human rights activists who live a luxurious life abroad, when here the people are starving to eat straw! Is that fair, Lord? Though I don't see your image, I still love you, Lord! Please, God, what have I done to you?! Tell me! Why are you silent?! After all, I participated in the liquidation of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant accident. I was hauling radioactive waste out of the sarcophagus in a wheelbarrow, God! - The farmer could not finish his plea, as at that moment the earthquake began. The farmer's hut began to rock and shake. The farmer's wife was the first to evacuate, screaming in fear. Then the farmer shot out into the yard. I don't even remember how or when I ran out of the cabin. I see my party friends standing next to me, pale as the moon, trembling with fear like the skeletons of a hanged man in the wind who has been gnawed by crows. Yoldashvoy too sober, as a good person. Then the ground rumbled under our feet, and we felt as if we were on a Volcano about to explode. Then there was another jolt, and the roof of the farmer's hut went down. It collapsed with a roar, kicking up dust, like a bomb test on the Atoll Moruroa. Hear Qurumboy calling me:
-Comrade Mizhappar, the revolution is in danger! I command you to help me move. You know, Mr. Sitmrat, I was doing Kung Fu, and the commander's order is law to me. I thought Qurumboy was wounded. No, it turns out he's pissed his pants. I'm sorry, but I just have to write about it for the story. Qurumboy had so much shit in pants looking like 1937 military "golife" pants that could not even move independently. Had to pull the dagger out of Qurumboy from the tops of his boots without soles and stick in the pants, which are full of (excuse me again) shit. Qurumboy's Pants  exploded and everything around was yellow. So much for political propaganda among the population! Thank God everyone was alive.


To the following letters, Mr. Sitmrat!
The soldier and member of collective farm, Mr. Mizhappar.

 

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Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

Letters of Mizhappar

(The short novel)

 

 

 

(In loving memory of the great humorist of Uzbekistan Hadjibay Tadjibayev)

 

 

The first letter of Mizhappar

 

 



Let this letter that I write now, rushing like a storm, storming like a Typhoon, reach the hands of dear Mr. Sitmrat, whom lives in those countries where democracy flourishes like the Japanese Sakura in the spring. Let this letter be clear to him as the full moon in the deserted silence of the snow-covered field of the collective farm, where we plant cotton in the spring. Hello, Mr. Sitmrat, my name is Mizhappar. I'm a member of the collective farm. My fellow farmers work from early spring until late autumn, cooperating with the government to reach their goal, to exceed the annual plans for the collection of cotton, bravely defeating all the vagaries of harsh nature. Thank you very much, our wise President and the government, for making bread cheap. A man will not die if he does not eat meat. That is, anyone will do without meat. For us as long as bread is cheap along with water. Now, think for yourself, Mr. Sitmrat, if your clothing or boots tear, you can patch them up. But the stomach? What do you think, is it possible to sew up the stomach at least for a day and live without eating anything? It is not so. Here is recently, we were in search of bread with bags in armpits. And now, we thank again our wisest President and the government that there is bread, water and air.This is the most important thing. I am writing this historic letter and I think about those days when the first mandatory goods disappeared from the shop counters and I remember one funny story. The story is very funny and when I think about this case, I burst into laughter and can't stop. I can't stop even when I stare at my fingernails to stifle my laughter. Even now as I write this letter and cracked hand from my hands are shaking due to laughter. In short, in those grim days of my age, me and relative Qurumboy from the village "Lattakishlak" went to town in search of cotton oil. He was walking among the shops of the Bazaar when he saw a young man selling cotton oil. Qurumboy asked the price from this seller. The seller named the price. The price was reasonable and Qurumboy decided to buy, thinking "the Price is reasonable. I'll buy more. I will resell the excess to the neighbors in tridorogo ". While he thought, the seller asked him a delicate question, he said: - How many liters will you have, sir?
- Two... no, three pints please, ' said Qurumboy, pulling money out from his tarpaulin boots without soles. -Well, Mister - he said, and took one three-liter glass jar with a sealed lid. Then wiping it with a towel, gave it to Qurumboy. He paid and carefully placed the three-liter glass jar in the bag. When Qurumboy arrived home safe and sound, on a bus branded "Pazik" with a loaf of yellow bread, his mother was very happy. And, of course will be delighted. After all, they have not eaten hot food for 3 months in a row, and now this! The mother of Qurumboy even cried of joy. They then cleared the cabbage, corn, turnips, potatoes with surgical care put them into a kettle of vegetable oil, brought by Qurumboy. The well-oiled, clear oil lay in the bottom of the blackened kettle. Qurumboy began spreading the fire by adding dry dung. The fire burned quite a long time but, for some reason the oil was not warmed up. there was no smoke rising from it. Suddenly the heated oil began to boil. Seeing this, Qurumboy and his mother became surprised. It turns out that the seller was a liar, and he sold Qurumboy not cotton oil, but cold tea, which looked similar to oil.Then Qurumboy spent one week using the money on transportation, he went into town looking for the seller, a scoundrel on the market, but could not find him. Now, cotton oil, thanks to the government and our generous president, appeared on the shelves. Although, more expensive, but there it was. I don't understand people. Some complain all the time, because of the light turning, then about the shortage of gas for their furnace, then about drinking water. If it was my choice, I would have destroyed all those power lines, poles, in general electronics. It turns out this electric current is the most dangerous and harmful substance for human life. How many people died from the electric current in our village, when they picked an eletric breaker with a screwdriver in their hands, hoping to twist the meter, as to avoid paying for electricity. As the fire breaks out, with a green-red spark, the meter explodes in place with the host like a time bomb. Some of their houses were burned to the ground by a flash from power lines on their roofs into the attic, where dry hay that they were gathering for the cattle is ignited. It turns out, too, it's as flammable as gunpowder in a keg. It's better to live without electricity. In our village named after Chapaev every day, from evening  to morning  we should turn off the electricity. Naturally, I rejoice in this. My parents, my stepfather and stepmother are also happy. My stepfather to say, when the electricity is off I will not be watching TV and i'll fall asleep early. Yesterday I, was cleaning cows butts, suddenly, a chorus of villagers yelled  and I slightly had a heart attack. They loudly shouted: Uraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!. I think, Mr. Sitmrat came on an armored personnel carrier with the oppisition starting the revolution. I went out Jogging on the street and see the villagers fleeing their homes, rustling their heavy coats and stomping with their tarpaulin boots without the soles.
- What are you saying, fellow villagers?! - I asked them.
- The lights on! - Thank you, our wise President and government! - they answered with a shout of joy. Through later hours, as they finished their food, they were waiting to watch television, the electricity had turned off.
Some citizens complain about the lack of gas. Well, what can you do, if these fools do not even know how dangerous this gas is. Last year in the winter the gas is nearly burned our house. In our village, people in order to take more gas, installed motors mounted into the furnace. And with the help of this mechanism, they extract the gas from the pipe, leaving small amounts of fuel to their neighbors. After consulting with my stepfather and stepmother, I also bought a motor of this kind and mounted it in the pipe of our furnace. As the motor began to work, immediately began to create blue flames in the furnace and it terribly buzzed like a ship sailing in the icy expanses of the Arctic ocean. The flame in the furnace fluttered like a flag on a flagpole and in a short time we became warm.  My stepfather and stepmother rejoice, praising me. When it became stuffy, I had to take off my coat and hat with earflaps and sit in my undershirt. Our home became like a Finnish sauna and I had sweat all over me. Even breathing became difficult from the unbearable heat. Suddenly, the motor mounted into the pipe of the furnace, giving the sound of bats, flying in different directions, then the motor exploded. It turns out the pressure on the gas pipeline rose sharply. I saw the flames have risen to a meter and a half, if not more, and our shack has turned into a stone cave of a fiery hell. My stepmother in hysterics shouted in a shrill voice like a whistle of an ancient factory, calling for the help of people. I'm shocked. I stand still. I see my stepfather is also snarling like a wild man at a waterfall.
-  Mizhappar! Look, my adopted son, the sheepskin is burning with the mattress by the furnace!Put it out, for God's sake! Oh, Lord! - he growled.
- I see, I see, stepfather! I will put the fire out!  I growled in reply, and began feverishly to trample on the flame, which was raging terribly near our furnace. I trampled the fire with my flat-footed feet, like the fins of scuba divers, and finally, I managed to successfully contain the fire. But, during the struggle with the fire, my pants burned up to my knees and they turned into shorts. I've been afraid of gas ever since. Our poverty saved us from destruction. Because we except the clay floor, clay walls and ceilingmade out of almost nothing. If we had wooden floors and ceilings, luxurious furniture, it would definitely burn down. From there, and the popular saying complained that not beauty, but the poor will save the world. Here you are a great scientist in the field of profanity, think for yourself, if the people of the whole planet were poor, they would not be able to invent atomic and nuclear bombs, right, Mr. Sitmrat? Would a poor, hungry man think about inventions? they would only think about filling their stomach. They, too, would hope to find dry bread, and would work on the cotton plantations, from morning to evening, picking cotton, not ceasing even in the cold days of December in a place with their children. I firmly believe that wealth and luxury are the number one enemy of all mankind. After the fire that broke out in our house, it looked like a closet, I dismantled the pipes from the gas pipeline and we began to heat our shack with dung, that is, cow dung. Although dung in a furnace burns slowly and smells bad, at least it is safe for human life. Extracted dung is also not difficult. Sit on a donkey and go to the lawn where the juniper trees grow, where there is a lot of dung, which cows produced. Collect them, put them in your bag and the police will not even arrest you for it. Sometimes the mown rye field will also turn into a quarry fuel of energy resources for us, that is, for the poor. We need to live in harmony with nature, not destroy it.
With great respect, the member of collective farm, Mizhappar.



January 21, 2008. 19 hours 15 minutes.
Collective Farm "Chapaev".

 

 

 

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Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

Dalakazan

(The short novel)

Translated by the author.

 


Any commercial use of the short novel "Dalakazan" by Holder Volcano is prohibited without the prior written consent of the author.




This is the birth of a new genre in world literature. If you do not believe, then read this work to the end, and You will firmly see this.This short novel has its magic that will cause you to read unstoppable. You won't even notice that you read the whole book from start to finish, and you will read it over and over again. I personally believe this.

All an enjoyable read!

(Holder Volcano)



Chapter 1

Bank robbery in broad daylight


A gang of masked robbers, armed to the teeth, suddenly burst into the Bank with wild cries, threatening to shoot anyone like a partridge who dares to show the slightest disobedience or resistance. They ordered all Bank employees to lie down on the floor and not move.
- Anyone who tries to raise his head, immediately receive a bullet in the forehead! - one of them shouted.
One of the employees of the Bank, of about forty, tall, skinny build, with a nose like the beak of an eagle named Dalakazan, the bandits raised, pointing at him nervously, with trembling hands, the barrel of the machine gun:
-Come on, bastard! You will help us commit the robbery of the century!Come on, open the safe and put the money in those bags! If you try to give signals to the cops, pressing the alarm button, then you, instantly turn into a corpse! - shouted another thug, as he kicked Dalakazan's butt hard.
-Okay!Okay! I'll do anything you say!Just please don't kill me!I have a family and young children! -begged them Dalakazan. He obediently walked towards the cash register, raising his thin arms high, like a young soldier in a hot spot of the planet who had just been captured.


 

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