Великий русский юморист Геннадий Хазанов, который мы уважаем от чистого сердца.



Holder Volcano

Member of the Uzbek Union of Writers

The Watchman

(The story)

This story is dedicated to the great Russian humorist Gennady Hazanov.

Duglat Dutarovich works as a watchman at a log warehouse. His replacement, Ivan Baltazarovich Spiridonov, recently died, and he was buried in the city cemetery with all honors. Despite the fact that Duglat Dutarovich is a Muslim, he still decided to go and attend the wake of his late replacement Spridonov Ivan Baltazarovich. The deceased was an Orthodox Christian and even wore a small wooden cross on his long neck. On Sundays, he went to church, lit candles for the repose of the souls of his departed parents. When black clouds were approaching and a thunderstorm began, rattling with thunderclaps, Ivan Baltazarovich Spiridonov, looking at the sky, crossed himself widely, asking his god Jesus Christ for salvation. But for some reason, God did not save him. Either he did not pray as he should, or God did not hear his prayers. It so happened that he tragically died. When unloading the wagons, the cable of the crane suddenly broke, and poor Ivan Baltazarovich Spridonov was left under the rubble of huge logs. Oh, life is an echoing tin can. The person was alive just yesterday, rejoiced, and now he is gone.
With such thoughts, Duglat Dutarovich went into the room where it was planned to celebrate the wake. Candles were burning on the table, and drinks, snacks and all sorts of delicious things were neatly laid out. Rudolf Makarovich Nikiforov, the head of the department, was the first to take the floor. Holding a glass of excellent vodka in his hand, he began to say:
- Dear last guests of our late compatriot Ivan Baltazarovich Spiridonov! Let us remember our dear faithful friend, the modest and honest caretaker of our log warehouse!
All the guests together, as a single organism, got up from their seats with glasses of moonshine in their hands. Everyone was standing without a headdress. Only Douglat Dutarovich was wearing a skullcap, since it is not customary for Muslims to attend funerals and other events without a headdress. The guests, of course, paid attention to his headdress, but no one began to make comments to him. Everyone reacted calmly, with understanding and tolerance.
- Ivan Baltazarovich was truly a great person!- Rudolf Makarovich Nikiforov continued, - As far as I know, he never wished harm to anyone. he always helped with everything he could. Unfortunately, a disaster happened, and our dear friend Baltazarich was left under the rubble of pine logs, which he loved, which he called his countrymen from distant Russia! Whenever birch logs were unloaded from the car, he secretly cried, wiping his tears with a cap and whispering "my poor white birches! You are lying here, instead of growing up under the low windows of Russian huts, swaying and ringing in the free wandering wind!" - he said with tears in his eyes. As if hearing his touching words, the pine logs also wept silently, dropping amber resinous tears. Oh, what a magnificent person with an open soul we have lost! This is a great loss for our friendly team! Dear Ivan Baltazarovich, sleep well, let your grave's ground be soft and your soul in paradise! - in conclusion, the head of the department Rudolf Makarovich said, crossing himself finely. He then drank the vodka in one gulp, emptying the faceted glass.
Everyone repeated the movements of zavsklad Rudolf Makarovich, except Duglat Dutarovich, who could not cross himself in any way. His hand did not obey him. But he drank a glass of moonshine to the bottom, and putting his lips to his sleeve, overcoming the burning of the strong drink. After that, everyone sat down together, ate, drank, talked, remembering the deceased with a kind word. Then they ate and drank and talked again. Meanwhile, Duglat Dutarovich got drunk and began to cry bitterly. It was as if all the moonshine he had drunk had seeped out of the cracks of his narrow eyes, turning into bitter tears. - Poor Baltazarich! My friend! Seni Khudo rahmat kilsin, dostim! (Allah bless you, my friend!) - he cried, continuing to speak:- You lived in Uzbekistan, but you always thought about your distant homeland, which is Russia. Do you remember when we used to roast Russian vodka from cups in the guardhouse of our warehouse? Outside, snow was falling, covering the roofs of houses, the road, trees and neatly stacked pine and birch logs. The guard dog in the kennel was barking lazily.Snowflakes swirled weightlessly under the hanging creaking lantern, like a swarm of mosquitoes. Divine silence reigned. It was as if the neighborhood had fallen silent to listen to the gentle rustle of snow. After drinking the next shot to the bottom, you said that not only money brought you to work, but also the smell, the resinous aroma of pine logs, which reminds you of the smell of Russian coniferous forests, where your carefree childhood passed! You often wore a skullcap and a chapan, you loved Uzbekistan. You spoke fluent Uzbek without an accent. You have always said that Uzbekistan is your second homeland and all the people who live in this sunny country, regardless of race, nationality, traditions and religious affiliation, should live in peace and harmony, respecting and piously observing the Constitution and laws of our sovereign state of Uzbekistan and speak the state language. That's why we all loved and respected you, Vanya! You were our red-haired Uzbek.We will never forget you... What a ridiculous death, oh, my God?!- he cried into his skullcap.
One of the people present began to calm him down.
- Easy, brother. Why are you crying? Well, what are we supposed to do? The time will come when we will die and we will be buried again. Edo paddock briroda, bonimaezh? Here, drink this homemade rye brew, which was made a year ago. It'll make it easier for you, " he said, handing him another portion of murky moonshine in a faceted glass.
Duglat Dutarovich drank the contents and passed out completely. He woke up under a wooden fence, where nettles were swaying in the wind. He stood up quickly. He found his skullcap, shook the dust off it, put it on his head and looked around. He felt ashamed. He then staggered down the sidewalk. Passer-byes avoided him, not wanting to run into a drunk person and get themselves into unnecessary problems. Everything inside Duglat Dutarovich was burning. He was terribly thirsty. It seemed to him that he could not quench his thirst, even if he drank the whole ocean to the bottom. He was delighted to see a water tap from which transparent water, the moisture of life, was noisily pouring out. Duglat Dutarovich rushed to the water tap and began to drink water directly from the tap, putting his mouth to the pipe. Grabbing the faucet with his hands, he greedily drank water. But he couldn't get drunk. Douglat Dutarovich was even scared, thinking that he had gotten diabetes mellitus. Wiping his mouth with his skullcap, he continued on his way, walking along the sidewalk like a zombie. He felt like a soldier on the battlefield who was crushed by an enemy tank. He really wanted to rest somewhere and get some more sleep. Douglat Dutarovich was also afraid of patrol and post policemen who could send him to a sobering-up center.
With such thoughts, he went to the bus stop and sat down on a bench. Then he lay down, covering his head with the edge of his jacket, and fell asleep. He was woken up by a man of about forty-five, tall, dressed in a tuxedo and with a bow tie around his neck.
- Hey, comrade, wake up! Why are you lying here? Are you feeling ill? "No, I'm fine," he said. I was just sitting here and fell asleep without noticing it myself, " Duglat Dutarovich replied, getting up and adjusting his skullcap. - Well, thank God. I thought... But you will forgive me if I interrupted your sweet dream, in the most interesting place-said the stranger, smiling politely. - No, no, sir. Everything is fine. My name is Douglat. Duglat Dutarovich. I work as a watchman in a warehouse - Duglat Dutarovich introduced himself.
- What a meeting! It turns out that we are colleagues, dear Douglat Dutarovich. I'm glad to meet you.My name is Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, - the man in the tuxedo said.
- Yes? I can't believe it. Judging by your clothes, I can assume that you work as a watchman in a large international bank. Or work as part of a special unit and protect the president of the country - said Duglat Dutarovich.
- This is a trade secret, dear colleague. Wherever we work, our work is very responsible and difficult. When everyone is sleeping a sweet sleep, we work with you, we go back and forth, guarding property, when the moon is shining quietly and the stars are burning like diamonds in the high sky... Why are we standing here? Let's go to a cafe and continue the conversation over a cup of tea or coffee, " suggested Abu Insan ibn Diyonat.
- Well, that's not a bad idea-agreed Douglat Dutarovich.
- And, talking, they went in the direction of an expensive restaurant.
Seeing this, Douglat Dutarovich stopped.
- Excuse me, colleague Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, where are we going? This is an expensive restaurant! There are such expensive dishes there that even my meager symbolic monthly salary will not be enough for half of a portion! - Duglat Dutarovich said, stepping back.
- Oh, come on, dear colleague. Don't be afraid. I'm treating you - Abu Insan ibn Diyonat reassured Douglat Dutarovich.
- Well, if you are treating me, then, perhaps, we can look in, - said Douglat Dutarovich.
They went into a luxurious restaurant and sat down at a table on which fresh roses smelled in porcelain vases, silver spoons and forks with knives lay, candles burned on gilded candelabra. Rich people in tuxedos and bow ties were sitting around. They drank cognac, ate caviar and smoked fragrant cigars. On the stage, one thin and shaggy musician selflessly, constantly closing his eyes, played Strauss' music on the violin. Some gentlemen danced with their ladies to the beat of the music. The waiter came with a white towel on his wrist and a notebook in his hands.
- What will you order, gentlemen? - the waiter asked politely with a pleasant Gagarin smile. The watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, having studied the menu, ordered three dishes and French cognac with Scottish wine, plus dessert. Hearing what Abu Insan ibn Diyonatordered, the watchman Duglat Dutarovich almost got up from his seat and ran out of the restaurant.
- How can we afford such a thing, dear colleague?! - Duglat Dutarovich became worried - This is the food and drink of the rich! You and I are just pathetic watchmen. If you are counting on me, then stop this madness immediately, before it's too late! I don't even have enough money to ask how much one serving of food costs in this restaurant!
- Well, what are you so, eh, colleague? People are looking at us. I promised you that I would treat you. You sit quietly and don't worry. We will celebrate our meeting with you properly, " said the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat.
- Well, all right, colleague, all right. But remember, I warned you in the presence of this waiter. I will not pay a penny if there is any problem with the payment. That is, all the responsibility falls on you - said Duglat Dutarovich, perplexed and not understanding the actions of his colleague. The waiter left. Douglat Dutarovich looked with fright and surprise at the rich visitors of the restaurant and at the huge crystal chandeliers, at the mirrors, at the shaggy musician who was playing Strauss in a trance, deftly moving his bow. The violin was crying, and people were laughing, laughing, glasses were clinking. Finally, the waiter brought everything they had ordered.
- Well, where do we start, colleague? With French cognac or with Scotch whiskey? - Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, the watchman, asked.
- I don't care. I am ready to drink even ink or kerosene.If only there was a buzz, - said Douglat Dutarovich, thrusting the tip of a napkin into the collar of his checkered winter shirt, wielding a jingling silver fork and knife, as if preparing to eat in an aristocratic way.
- Well, then we will drink French cognac, - said the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, pouring cognac from a crystal decanter into thin glasses that tinkled.
- Come on, colleague, let's drink to our meeting! Abu Insan ibn Diyonatsaid, raising his glass.
And, clinking their glasses, they drank the first shots. The cognac was pleasant. Colleagues first had a snack, then they began to eat super-expensive delicacies with an appetite. The watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonatwas eating the first course. Looking at him, Douglat Dutarovich put down his fork and knife and also took a spoon. He began to slurp the delicious soup, dipping bread into it. Then they drank again and continued to eat.
At this moment, a group of rich people came into the restaurant. Among them were women in expensive dresses, with gold rings on their fingers and with gold chains on their delicate necks. Suddenly one of the men of this company stopped abruptly and, looking at the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, was terribly happy.
-Oh-oh-oh, that's da-a-aa! Our dear host, Mr. Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, is also here, it turns out! Hello, boss! - he said and, going to the table where his colleagues were sitting, greeted the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonatin an embrace. He also greeted Douglat Dutarovich, firmly shaking his hand. The other members of the company also ran to Abu Insan ibn Diyonatand began to greet him, hugging him tightly. The women kissed Abu Insan ibn Diyonat. But when they saw Duglat Dutarovich, their mood changed dramatically,and their ringing laughter stopped. They looked at Duglat Dutarovich as if he were an unwashed savage, as if he were a steppe gopher. Abu Insan ibn Diyonatintroduced them to Duglat Dutarovich.
- This, Duglat Dutarovich, is my colleague! - he introduced him.
- Oo-oo, your colleague?! Wow! The director of a large corporation, then! It was very nice to meet your friend, a successful and modest businessman! - the guy said, shaking hands with Duglat Dutarovich again.
Hearing this, the women smiled again and began to laugh, stretching out their tender hands to Duglat Dutarovich.
- Very nice! My name is Matlyuba! And my name is Malika! - they smiled.
- What a grand meeting, my God! Hey waiters! Let's connect our table with the table of our esteemed boss! - the guy shouted.
The waiters quickly connected the tables, and the company sat down at them, as if at a banquet, as at a magnificent wedding. A real feast of aristocrats began. Horse, whiskey, wine, fun, laughter, laughter. The man raised a glass to the health of the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, said the following:
- Dear host, Mr. Abu Insan ibn Diyonat! Today, reading the stock exchange news in the American magazine "Forbes", I learned that your fortune today is one trillion dollars! Please accept my congratulations, dear Abu Insan ibn Diyonat!
-Thank you, my friend, - Abu Insan ibn Diyonat said. Hearing this, Duglat Dutarovich's jaw dropped in surprise. -No, it can't be like that! It's either a mirage or a dream. Or some kind of practical joke. These rich aristocrats are probably mocking me, he thought. Meanwhile, the fun continued. More toasts, clinking glasses, laughter, dancing and all that.
After these words, Duglat Dutarovich got drunk again. He got up from his seat with a glass in his hand and began to speak: - Dear colleagues! I want to tell you a funny story! - In short, my wife and I, in order to boost the economy of our family, sometimes work in two shifts. One day I told my wife, who works as a cleaner at school, that I would wake her up at midnight, when our children were asleep and we were doing important things. She said that this is impossible, since we have the same room and our children sleep next to me. Also my mother. A little bit that they can wake up. I'm saying, don't worry, honey. I made it up. In short, we will carefully tie your big toe with a thin rope with a sea knot, then, when our children fall asleep with my beloved mother-in-law, I will pull the rope and you will wake up. She agreed. I tied my wife's big toe with a rope and began to look forward to the historic moment. Our children and my beloved mother-in-law finally fell asleep. My wife, too. - Just right - I thought, my eyes flashing in the pitch darkness and pulled the rope. Then my wife jumped out of bed in fright, shouting: - Waaaay! Wai daaaad, what is this?! Help! Hearing her scream, the children woke up. My mother-in-law, did too. They started screaming in terror, hugging each other. -I say to my wife: - why are you shouting, you fool! It's me! Have you forgotten our agreement?! But they were all shouting, trembling with fear.Then, frightened by the noise, our cat jumped, turning over pots and other utensils in the kitchen. And there our angry dog began to bark loudly and nervously. Then the chickens in the coop began to cackle, the geese began to cackle with a trumpet voice, the turkeys made a noise, blushing up to their necks, the cows began to low like ferries on a foggy river, the sheep and goats also bleated with all their might from fright. Our pigs grunted terribly, screamed, as if they were being slaughtered. As if this was not enough, our donkey began to search, stretching his head out of the stable doorway, closing his eyes and showing his large front teeth. Hearing the noise, the neighbors began to wake up one by one, turning on the lights and not making them wait for a long time, they came running in a crowd with pitchforks and rakes in their hands, thinking that a gang of robbers armed to the teeth had broken into our house. Someone called the police and a masked assault team quickly arrived with machine guns in their hands, as well as an ambulance with a fire brigade, with a heart-rending scream, howling sirens. The police interrogated the witnesses, drew up a protocol and took me away in an ambulance to a madhouse - the watchman Duglat Dutarovich said, finishing his story.
Listening to his story, the rich people laughed for a long time, dying of laughter. Especially Abu Insan ibn Diyonat.
When they went outside, a single moon was shining in the sky and the stars were twinkling. Duglat Dutarovich wanted to say goodbye and leave, but Abu Insan ibn Diyonat held him back.
- Wait, where are you, a colleague, going for the night looking? Here are the guys who will take you home on these carts, " he said, pointing to expensive Lamborghini and Rolls Royce limousines. Douglat Dutarovich swung like a pendulum and, looking at the watchman Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, said in surprise:
- I'm sorry, colleague. I'm kind of perplexed. You're... hick!..they told me that you also work as a watchman. And you, it turns out, are a billionaire! Or me... hick!.. are you imagining all this? That is, you are a billionaire, not a watchman... It is not good to deceive and mock poor people, Mr. Abu Insan ibn Diyonat, - he said.
-So what of it? - I'm a trillionaire.But I, in fact, am also a simple watchman, just like you, dear colleague. Yes, yes, don't be surprised...Here you are guarding the property of the warehouse, right?! And then what is the difference between me and you, if I live every day, every hour, every minute without days off, guarding my wealth, which is spinning in the major banks of the world, gold and diamonds stored in safe vaults in Switzerland, as well as securities, such as stocks and bonds on the stock exchange, watching day and night for the fall of indices in the financial market and then.I have only recently come to the conclusion that all these years I have not lived, but only worked as a watchman, day and night, carefully protecting my wealth, my life, the lives of my loved ones. It turns out that from the president of the country to the common man, everyone is a watchman and protects themselves, their family, their country and their property from someone or something in this crazy world in this fleeting life, having never learned to protect themselves from their own desires, which lead to deep disappointment at the end of our life - Abu Insan ibn Diyonat explained.
Then Duglat Dutarovich woke up and saw a policeman.
- Citizen, stand up. You can't sleep in public places, - he said.
Duglat Dutarovich got up, asked for forgiveness and walked along the path towards the log warehouse, remembering that he had to change his new replacement tonight.

4: 30 p.m.
Brampton, Canada.