Holder Volcano
Member of the Writers’ Union of Uzbekistan
Jumanchik Bedanaboz
(Fantastic story)
An independent astronomer, Jumanchik Bedanaboz, invented a unique radio telescope and, in order to establish contact with extraterrestrial civilizations, sent a radio signal into space with a message on behalf of humanity.
To make the text of the message easier to decipher, he wrote using pictures resembling cave paintings drawn by primitive people.The transcript of the letter was something like this:
— I want this radio signal to fly across the expanses of the universe, by meteorites, asteroids and reach intelligent extraterrestrial life in other constellations. Assalamu alaikum, dear aliens, dear humanoids, that is, little green men! How are you? Are you all flying to neighboring galaxies and nebulae on your flying saucers in search of work and a piece of bread? I apologize for the poor handwriting, as I am writing this letter in the moonlight. Because the authorities turned off the lights in order to save electricity. I have only one request. Please let us know as soon as you receive our message. Otherwise, we earthlings will be very worried about you. Contact us and do not hesitate if you need our help protecting the population of your planet or in military terms. We also have extensive experience in the construction of nuclear power plants. A reactor facility will be built at your place. There is only one small, tiny nuance, that is, you dear little green men, will make the payment for priceless nuclear fuel, for isotopes that are being developed here. To sum it up, you will be dependent on us. In other words, we are always ready to help you and develop trade, economic and military cooperation with you on a first-priority basis. For example, we just need nickel, as we are actively working on creating unheard-of, scary, top-secret weapons with which we can blow up not only entire galaxies, constellations and nebulae, but also the entire universe. How? I’ll explain now. You may also be aware that our nuclear scientists invented nuclear energy by splitting nuclei by hitting them with a neutron, right? So, gentlemen aliens. The universe where you and I live side by side is the most gigantic reactor where we can conduct an experiment called the Billiard Effect Game to create this terrible weapon. To do this, we need to determine which constellations can play the role of a nucleus, which proton or neutron. By influencing the constellations that play the role of the nucleus of the neutron constellation, we will receive unprecedented energy, with which we can create intergalactic cruise missiles with nuclear engines that fly at the speed of light. This weapon will become our cosmic nuclear baton, with which we will frighten and blackmail everyone who lives in the boundless cosmos. We will establish control over the inhabitants of the universe, manipulating them and openly mocking them. We are also well aware that you do not have fertile land on your planets. Air and water are also very expensive. As they say, their weight is gold. Don’t worry too much about this, gentlemen aliens. Come as soon as possible. We will sell you our land, air and water at a reasonable price. Almost for free. We have a lot of water! We will load the soil of our planet into your flying freight trains, (unbeknownst to humanity, of course) organizing the shipment of priceless cargo exactly where it should be. You can take away the earth’s soil, water and air as much as you want. As long as you pay for it, of course. We will agree on the price and discount.
With utmost respect, your humble servant, the great scientist -astronomer, Chairman of the Union of Writers and Academics of the Universe, Jumanchik Bedanaboz .
When sending humanity’s messages in the form of petroglyphs into the boundless cosmos through a radio telescope, Jumanchik Bedanabozhimself did not believe that anyone would ever respond to them.
But no, a few weeks later there was a response to the radio signal, and after deciphering the text of the reply in the form of pictures and a drawing, Jumanchik Bedanaboz stiffened with fear.The decrypted text of the letter looked something like this:
— Va alaikum assalam, earthlings and a great scientist-astronaut, chairman of the Union of Writers and Academics of the Universe, Jumanchik Bedanaboz! We have received your messages! After our experts performed a graphological analysis and deciphered the text of your message, we could not control our laughter. We laughed so hard that our bladder almost burst. Then, barely suppressing our laughter, we came to a consensus and decided to inform you that we aliens do not intend to have any relations with you, that is, with Earthlings. Strange. Do you earthlings even think with your head when you write such letters to someone? After reading your messages, we began to doubt that you Earthlings have heads on your shoulders. It seems to us that you don’t have heads on your shoulders, but rather an hollow tumour that needs to be surgically removed. The question is: What the hell do we care about your polluted air, off-scale levels of radiation, and the soil of your filthy planet, packed with extremely dangerous toxic chemicals such as pesticides and herbicides? The scariest thing is that you call the poison you drink water, which you consume every day, miraculously staying alive? Oh, my God, how awful! Thank God that we aren’t crazy enough to buy your so-called ocean and sea water, where you dispose of harmful substances from chemical plants and factories, and secretly bury radioactive waste, spent nuclear fuel, and man-made radionuclides. So, gentlemen of the Earth! You will immediately change your name. Because you are not people, but some kind of scary, evil being unknown to science! You fight among yourselves, as if with your own reflection in a mirror, violating the territorial integrity of independent countries, throwing millions of young soldiers and officers into the meat grinder of war, killing innocent people, the elderly and children, destroying infrastructure, razing cities to the ground, turning the country’s economy into a swamp of international sanctions, which turn people into refugees, threatening each other with nuclear war! You are a monster, a suicide bomber, a kamikaze! These names are just right for you! We thought for a long time, then we came to the consensus that the best way to rid the universe of you is to destroy your planet, before you start polluting neighboring galaxies with radioactive nuclides from your antediluvian spaceships and stations and start an aggressive war, threatening with your so-called secret weapons with which you can blow up not only entire galaxies, but also the whole universe. We have already launched our state-of-the-art intergalactic cruise missiles with atomic warheads, which will fly to your Globe in an hour and destroy you along with your planet, blowing you to smithereens; turning you into poisonous ashes!
Sincerely, the press secretary of the president of the planet of green humanoid men, Comrade Bibon Bibon Jiblajibon.
After reading this, the great scientist -astronomer, chairman of the Union of Writers and Academics of the Universe, Mr. Jumanchik Bedanaboz, ran out of his hut and began shouting at the top of his voice: — People! Save yourselves who can! Run to the bomb shelter now! The humanoids of the neighboring galaxy have declared war on us! In an hour, the interplanetary cruise missiles with nuclear warheads that the aliens have launched will arrive! They intend to turn us into nuclear ashes!
Hearing his words, people started laughing, thinking he was drunk. After some time, local police officers detained him. Then an ambulance arrived with a psychiatric team from the central madhouse of the capital. After examining the detainee, they immediately diagnosed him with Schizophrenia and put him into a straitjacket.
«What are you doing, you bastards?» I’m perfectly healthy! Let me go now! I’m telling the truth! In an hour, ultra-modern three-stage interplanetary cruise missiles with nuclear warheads launched by aliens will arrive! In an hour, do you hear, in an hour! Jumanchik Bedanaboz shouted, struggling with the doctors.
The doctors pushed him into an ambulance and the doctor politely said, «Don’t worry, my dear… What should I call you? Oh, Jumanchik Bedanaboz? So, Jumanchik Bedanaboz, don’t you worry right now. Yes, we believe you. But, there is a completely different time and other dimensions in space. That is, millions of years will pass on our planet before the alien cruise missiles arrive. So don’t worry so much about insignificant things, Mr. Patient.
After these words of the doctor, the great scientist -astronomer, chairman of the Union of Writers and Academics of the Universe, Mr. Jumanchik Bedanaboz began to shout: — Bibon Bibon! Jiblajibon! Bibon Bibon! Jiblajibon!
23/09/2023.
12:05 a.m.
Canada, Ontario.
